My Transition Diary


January 5
I got a new razor - a Mach 3 Turbo to replace my Sensor. I was told that if all you have is peach fuzz, the Mach 3 can give you ingrown hairs. Given that I'm starting to get a little real stubble and the Sensor isn't giving me as close a shave as I want, I think it's time.

I have around 30 little dark bristles, most right on my chin. A few are elsewhere on my jawline and a few at right above my adam's apple, which is the first place that any hairs showed up. My sideburns consist of a thin line of darkish hairs that go from where my regular hair ends to about the top of my earlobe, and that are only visible in ideal light at an ideal angle. Same with my mustache; just a few darkish hairs that are only visible in ideal conditions. I have minor scruff all over when I don't shave, but the left side is still growing in faster than the right. I'm not really concerned though. I've had a bioguy or two tell me that they have the same thing happen anyway.

I took a few pictures of my facial hair (grown out completely, a week or so without shaving) with my digital camera, and I'm going to try to upload those at some point. Don't know how well they'll come out, but I'll keep trying.

January 16
My chin is stubbly and I shaved on Monday night (January 13). At this rate I'll be done using the Sensor pretty soon and will get to switch to my Mach 3 Turbo.

Oh, something I've been meaning to post about for months and keep forgetting - I think my shoe size is now 7 Wide in men's. It was a 6 men's pre-T; my current shoes are 6.5 and are breaking and have tears and even a hole or two in the sides where I'm bustin' out. Awesome. I've been to Payless twice and they have shit for shoes in that size except some scary-ass geriatric Velcro black sneakers. I'm not that far gone yet.

February 1
Me [in IM]: *reading my old entries* god, I was such a loser
Kael: hahah
Kael: like what?
Me: October 24, 2000:
7:32 pm - Okay, my appetite is definitely on its way up. The Beast must be fed!
Kael: hahahah
Kael: funny
Me: *dons a dunce cap*
Kael: hahah
Me: November 7, 2000:
11:21 pm - IT'S GONE!!!

I just realized that I never posted about this ... October came and went without any sign of "estrogen poisoning," as I call it ... also known as "the FTM's bloody hell." Hehe. But anyway, it's GONE! [does a little dance; then thinks better of it and does a big flaming dance]
Kael: hah that is so funny though
Me: yeah, but I'm such a dork
Me: It is interesting reading where I was at at the end of 2000 and beginning of 2001
Kael: how come
Me: all my thoughts about wanting to go off of T entirely, and being scared of all the changes and how fast everything was happening, and wanting to stay more in that middle space
Kael: how do you feel about it now?
Me: I'm more at peace about the changes. I don't want to go off of T. But I still don't fancy having a sandpapery face all the time; that's the hardest thing for me by far. It'll be an adjustment. As long as it keeps going at this pace I think I'll adjust ok, because it's like one new hair every several weeks
Kael: right

February 12
Switching back to AndroGel - same dose as on the patch, 3.75mg per day. I'm just tired of the skin irritation and so forth from the patches.
April 8
I've been on T for about 2.5 years now, and I feel like my body clock is starting to revert back to high school (which was also 2 or 3 years after puberty began). I'm SO worn out in the early mornings when I have to get up, and I'm just not tired as early in the evenings as I used to be. Even when I feel tired and I don't want to do anything, I don't actually want to go to sleep. When I go to bed early, I rarely fall asleep before 10. It's not as bad as I remember high school being, but it's definitely along the same lines.

Of course, I could just be getting sick.

May 30
I started bleeding yesterday. Very tiny amounts. I'm getting mild stomach cramps too ... not real pain, knock wood, but enough to be uncomfortable. Still bleeding today ... not enough to really justify wearing anything, but enough to get a little on my boxers and keep me worried. This thing can last as long as it wants, just as long as it doesn't get any worse than this. That explains the sudden flare-up of acne I've had over the last week or so. Acne flare-ups are the only sort of PMS I've ever had.
June 5
The bleeding seems to have stopped, knock wood. Acne's pretty much gone; I'm sure the fact that I started using my Retin-A Micro for spot treatment helped. I've worn briefs under my boxers for the past few days, with a pad in on Saturday and Sunday (31 May and 1 June), I think ... now I'm just wearing the briefs with no pad. In the next couple of days, if there's still nothing, I'll go back to just boxers.

I'm trying to remember to put my T on in little bits and rub it in a bit at a time, instead of putting it all on my arm at once and rubbing it in that way. I think when I do it all at once, some of it's drying on my arm instead of absorbing properly, no matter how long I rub it. It dries faster than it absorbs even when rubbed in, if there's too much.

July 6
10:32 am - Woke up to blood on my boxers. I think my body is developing some kind of resistance to the gel. I'm going up to 5mg per day starting today. Eventually I think I'm going to have to go to shots.

1:49 pm - I've decided to switch to weekly injections and drop my dose back down to 50mg per week because the injections are more potent. A friend I grew up with has a mom who's a nurse, and they've known me since I was 8, so I think she'd be willing to give me my shots. I don't see myself self-injecting, at least not for quite a while.

So ... cypionate or enanthate? I never paid much attention to the discussions, except to hear that one causes more acne and has slightly faster results. I would prefer to be on the other one, but I never remember which is which. And what gauge needle? I have a very low pain threshold.

It's been a fun three years, transdermal testosterone. I'll miss you. Thank you.

August 15
I just started bleeding. Third month in a row. Good job today's shot day. I may have to increase my dose; it's too soon to tell really though, this is only shot #2. Either way, I am NOT happy. It managed to make rather a mess of my clothes before I discovered it, so now I get to do laundry a little early. When I discovered it I started sweating and breathing fast and just generally freaking out in the bathroom. Fortunately John and my partner are my guardian angels and helped me out. I will get through this, goddamnit.
August 23
Bleeding stopped yesterday or today. Good. My partner gave me my shot yesterday, and he did as good a job as Lyndon did two weeks ago, which is really impressive and makes me feel a lot better about having him continue to do them. He practised on an orange two days earlier, and got himself comfortable with it. I'm so proud of him for giving me my shot even though he was so afraid of hurting me.

No noticeable changes on the shots so far, although I think my chin hairs are coming in faster than before. No actual new hairs, just the same scruffy plague-theme stuff coming in more quickly than ever. Fantastic.

For the record, my dosage is 50mg weekly. I'm injecting 1/4 cc of Delatestryl, which is enanthate. All three shots thus far have been in my right ass cheek. Eventually, when I'm more comfortable with the whole thing, I'll switch to my thigh so that I can eventually self-inject more easily.

I totally missed my 3-year T anniversary five days ago. Bummer. It occurred to me on the 20th, but we didn't do anything to celebrate and I didn't do any reflecting. I'll have to do that at some point.

September 24
I have a date for top surgery! My partner and I will both be having surgery on 14 January with Dr. Brownstein. I just e-mailed him to ask about dates, and Suzi, his assistant, called me back five minutes later to set up dates for both my partner and me. Absolutely unbelievable. My partner wants to go first, but we'll both be going the same day. He'll go in at 07:30 am, and I'll go in at 09:45 am, right after he comes out.

Now to find someone to come with us and nurse us, cheap accomodations and flights, etc., etc., etc.

November 11
My partner's friend D, from western MA, will come with us and nurse us in San Francisco because she loves us and hey, free trip to San Francisco. Sweet.

My partner and I are trying to be much healthier in preparation for surgery. I need to take up weightlifting again, but student teaching plus taking three classes is using up all my time. But we're taking our multivitamins and vitamin C every day, having salad every night with dinner, and trying to cut down on fat (he's doing much better with this last than I am).

28 December
Had to skip a shot last week because my doctor was out of town. I thought I could find someone else to do it, given the huge FTM community around Boston; silly me. Oh well, I'm getting my shot tonight and will feel much better for it. I don't feel like I've been any more moody, less horny, more emotional, or any of the things that are supposed to go with missing a shot, even a weekly one. It's all been very even. I'm grateful for that.

I'm having to shave every two days now, not due to everyone-can-see necessity (except for under my chin and just above my larynx) but to I-feel-scruffy necessity. I'm slowly adjusting to the idea of me with facial hair; I've even adjusted my shaving regimen so as to allow for short sideburns to grow in on their own. Can't see them yet except in ideal light at an ideal angle, but they'll come in. They're all the facial hair I want. I'm starting to be able to conceive of myself as being physically able to grow facial hair though. A few months ago it was inconceivable to me; now I'm right on the line. Maybe within the next 6 months it'll feel more real, and I'll be okay with that. I'm so glad that it's all happening as slowly as it is.

My partner and I had protein shakes this morning. Tasted like shit, even with chocolate ice cream in it. I held my nose as I drank it, which is a great tactic; I couldn't taste it at all until I unplugged my nose - then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Fortunately I had food handy to kill the taste. We've upped our Vitamin C intake from 500mg a day to 1,000mg. I really should lift some weights again. Sigh.


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