My Transition Diary


March 7
At Compass last night, I got a little more information about testosterone pellets. I've been thinking about pellets for a while, and my one concern was laid to rest last night. I had been wondering whether the fact that I do karate would be a risk factor: if I got hit in the butt (the pellets go roughly where your wallet sits), could pellets rupture, get dislodged, etc. The guy at Compass told me that he does high-impact sports and has taken hits to that area and the pellets were completely fine, and his doctor didn't tell him to avoid anything like that. So that was a relief. But that means I have to think all the more about whether I want to do it! The pellets last up to six months at a time, so it's a bit of an investment even though it's obviously not a permanent decision.

I'm feeling torn. I've been on injectable T for over ten years now, self-injecting for over nine, and I have never got over my fear of needles. Thanks to subq injections, they aren't painful, but I still have a few minutes of needle-angst every single week. It would be really nice to not have to deal with that anymore. On the other hand, I really like the ritual of it. I like having that weekly reminder that I'm Trans, that my testosterone comes by prescription, that I choose this body, that I am of my own making in this way. I don't really want to have the luxury of forgetting about it for months at a time. You can't feel the pellets when you sit, I'm told, but you can if you reach back and touch them, and I feel like I'd be fondling my own ass all the time if I had pellets, the way I was always touching my patches when I used them.

Topical T (gel or cream) remains an option too, but I don't want to go back to topical T at all. A weekly ritual is nice; a daily one, or at least that daily one, is a hassle. Plus I'd worry about transference. And while everyone I know who's on topical T for maintenance rather than to induce changes is happy with it, I remember my experience with gel and I just don't trust it.

I think for now I'll be sticking with injections, but pellets are going to stay in the back of my mind. I may well reach a point where the pros outweigh the cons and I make the switch, or at least try it, but I don't think I'm there yet.


August 1
Today I started taking 1.25mg daily of finasteride (Proscar), because over the past few months I've been noticing a concerning number of hairs on my pillow, in the shower, etc. I had originally planned to wait until my annual checkup in October and discuss it with my doctor then, but I've become increasingly distressed by the number of hairs I'm finding every day so I contacted her and she called in a prescription for me. I have zero intention of going bald gracefully and I've heard very good things about finasteride from a couple of friends, so I'm hopeful that this will nip things in the bud. It seems to be just my hairline so far, and I don't think it's receded enough that anyone else would notice, but I notice and I'm not okay with it at all. On the 18th I'll be 14 years on T, and I'm grateful to have made it this far and kept a full head of hair, but I want to keep my hair permanently. I'll see how long it takes to notice a difference, but my fingers are tightly crossed.


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